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最終更新日 : 2012/01/30 (Mon) 08:47
最終更新日 : 2012/01/30 (Mon) 08:47
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Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
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The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn\'t get bigger or heavier.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
I don\'t pray because I don\'t want to bore God.
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Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said \'no\'.
Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
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Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
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When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
\'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible\', she said, \'but that alone doesn\'t make it true.\'
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
Am I lightheaded because I\'m not dead or because I\'m still alive?
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
After every \'victory\' you have more enemies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
I\'ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I\'ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
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Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
Copy from one, it\'s plagiarism; copy from two, it\'s research.
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Attention to health is life\'s greatest hindrance.
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.
Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
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We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Throughout American history, the government has said we\'re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It\'s a hoax.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
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We don\'t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
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Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
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Don\'t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I\'m not there, I go to work.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
I\'m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
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The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Marry me and I\'ll never look at another horse!
Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.
I don\'t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
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I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they\'re yours.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
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If everything seems under control, you\'re just not going fast enough.
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
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What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/29/(Sun) 02:09
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